Things I’ve Learned: Getting Old(er)


So I recently turned 40. Not that old, I suppose, compared with, say, the Egyptian pyramids, Milky Way or Larry King. Truth be told, barring any forthcoming table-saw accidents, terminal diseases or drunken run-ins with disgruntled grizzly bears, the milestone could be viewed as a halfway point – old enough to reflect on the journey yet still optimistic about what lays ahead.

Now I’ve heard that older means wiser but the truth is, experience trumps age. So if you’ve ever drunkenly headbutted the front teeth from the mouth of an arrogant off-duty police officer, then you’re already aware that the subsequent shitstorm will, in most cases, suitably convince you to never, ever repeat the infraction.

But even if you did, well, you would know not to aim for the mouth.

Either way, time is an unrelenting fucker. It just … doesn’t … stop.

So it’s wise to not waste any more of it. Here are 10 things I’ve learned about getting old(er):

1. Most men age like fine wine. You know, if that wine had a nose like Gerard Depardieu, a body like a Weeble, tasted like flat Bud Light yet still possessed bold traits potent enough to make women feel insecure about their own looks.

2. Hair comes, hair goes. Never, ever in the right places.

3. I possess an inherited gene that makes me believe women in their 20s still find me attractive. It’s embedded in my DNA. Therefore, I cannot be held responsible for this delusional behavior. Nor will I apologize for it. After all, some people might call that a disease.

4. Alcohol exacerbates the above gene.

5. The only six-pack I will ever see near my stomach is the kind I just picked up at the liquor store.

6. I can still “date” women in their 20s!

7. It would be wise to quit drinking at some point. 

8. A man’s age can be ascertained by taking a tape measure, placing one end at the nipple and measuring the distance to the belt buckle. The closer these two points are, the older the man. Caveat: Anything under three inches, summon paramedics immediately.

9. The jaws of pitbulls do not lock, the Great Wall of China cannot be seen by the unaided eye from space, Marilyn Manson has not had ribs removed, and almost no story is true if you have to click a link to get the rest of it.

10. Anyone who writes about getting older is …

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