Things I’ve Learned: WikiLeaks’ Cablegate

“Diplomatic immunity!”

I’ve always thought that real-life diplomats probably operate with an arrogant sense of entitlement similarly displayed by the badge-toting geezer in the above clip from the first-rate action film, Lethal Weapon 2. And besides being a masterclass in writing and acting, this prescient scene from 1989 features a Nostradamus-like glimpse at the current diplomatic pickle starring the American government and WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Which makes the latter Roger Murtaugh, played exquisitely by the incomparable Danny Glover. And Assange’s ongoing quarter-million-page diplomatic-cable docudump a verbose version of Glover’s brilliant ballet of dramatic head roll, gunfire and gutting line: “It’s just been revoked!”

So with that incredibly insightful logic in mind, here are 10 Things I’ve Learned because of WikiLeaks’ Cablegate:

1. Diplomats operate with an arrogant sense of entitlement similarly displayed by the badge-toting geezer in the above clip from the first-rate action film, Lethal Weapon 2.

2. In America, it’s not okay to leak sensitive material. It is, however, okay to spy on the UN, commit war crimes and publicly call for someone’s assassination. You know, if that person leaked sensitive documents revealing your inappropriate spy games and war crimes and isn’t affiliated with a major news outlet.

3. Diplomacy is a euphemism for douchebaggery.

4. Don’t say anything in a secret diplomatic cable that you wouldn’t say to a foreign diplomat’s face.

5. Wikipedia isn’t affiliated with WikiLeaks. If it were, the American government could just log in and change the facts.

6. North Korean ally Sarah Palin recently called for Assange to be “hunted down like Osama bin Laden.” Bin Laden could not be reached for comment.

7. In one cable, an American diplomat said Canadians’ inferiority complex makes us feel like Robin compared to America’s Batman. Finally, an explanation for our so-called “tight” relationship.

8. The recording industry is still fucked.

9. Guy Pearce will play Julian Assange in the upcoming feature film, The Information Network. The CIA will try and sabotage said film by getting Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger to do the soundtrack.

10. “Sex by Surprise” is a criminal offense in Sweden. And perhaps a fitting charge for Julian Assange, since nobody in the American government seemed to realize they were about to get fucked.

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