GRAEME MCRANOR
WORD HUSTLING SINCE 1970
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Things I’ve Learned: Getting Old(er)
December 22, 2010
So I recently turned 40. Not that old, I suppose, compared with, say, the Egyptian pyramids, Milky Way or Larry King. Truth be told, barring any forthcoming table-saw accidents, terminal diseases or drunken run-ins with disgruntled grizzly bears, the milestone could be viewed as a halfway point - old enough to reflect on the journey yet still optimistic about what lays ahead.
Now I’ve heard that older means wiser but the truth is, experience trumps age. So if you’ve ever drunkenly headbutted the front teeth from the mouth of an arrogant off-duty police officer, then you’re already aware that the subsequent shitstorm will, in most cases, suitably convince you to never, ever repeat the infraction.
But even if you did, well, you would know not to aim for the mouth.
Either way, time is an unrelenting fucker. It just … doesn’t … stop.
So it’s wise to not waste any more of it. Here are 10 things I’ve learned about getting old(er):
1. Most men age like fine wine. You know, if that wine had a nose like Gerard Depardieu, a body like a Weeble, tasted like flat Bud Light yet still possessed bold traits potent enough to make women feel insecure about their own looks.
2. Hair comes, hair goes. Never, ever in the right places.
3. I possess an inherited gene that makes me believe women in their 20s still find me attractive. It’s embedded in my DNA. Therefore, I cannot be held responsible for this delusional behavior. Nor will I apologize for it. After all, some people might call that a disease.
4. Alcohol exacerbates the above gene.
5. The only six-pack I will ever see near my stomach is the kind I just picked up at the liquor store.
6. I can still “date” women in their 20s!
7. It would be wise to quit drinking at some point. 
8. A man’s age can be ascertained by taking a tape measure, placing one end at the nipple and measuring the distance to the belt buckle. The closer these two points are, the older the man. Caveat: Anything under three inches, summon paramedics immediately.
9. The jaws of pitbulls do not lock, the Great Wall of China cannot be seen by the unaided eye from space, Marilyn Manson has not had ribs removed, and almost no story is true if you have to click a link to get the rest of it.
10. Anyone who writes about getting older is …
CLICK HERE for the rest of the story.
Things I’ve Learned: WikiLeaks’ Cablegate
December 8, 2010
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwB5SCpQv9U
“Diplomatic immunity!”
I’ve always thought that real-life diplomats probably operate with an arrogant sense of entitlement similarly displayed by the badge-toting geezer in the above clip from the first-rate action film, Lethal Weapon 2. And besides being a masterclass in writing and acting, this prescient scene from 1989 features a Nostradamus-like glimpse at the current diplomatic pickle starring the American government and WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Which makes the latter Roger Murtaugh, played exquisitely by the incomparable Danny Glover. And Assange’s ongoing quarter-million-page diplomatic-cable docudump a verbose version of Glover’s brilliant ballet of dramatic head roll, gunfire and gutting line: “It’s just been revoked!”
So with that incredibly insightful logic in mind, here are 10 Things I’ve Learned because of WikiLeaks’ Cablegate:
1. Diplomats operate with an arrogant sense of entitlement similarly displayed by the badge-toting geezer in the above clip from the first-rate action film, Lethal Weapon 2.
2. In America, it’s not okay to leak sensitive material. It is, however, okay to spy on the UN, commit war crimes and publicly call for someone’s assassination. You know, if that person leaked sensitive documents revealing your inappropriate spy games and war crimes and isn’t affiliated with a major news outlet.
3. Diplomacy is a euphemism for douchebaggery.
4. Don’t say anything in a secret diplomatic cable that you wouldn’t say to a foreign diplomat’s face.
5. Wikipedia isn’t affiliated with WikiLeaks. If it were, the American government could just log in and change the facts.
6. North Korean ally Sarah Palin recently called for Assange to be “hunted down like Osama bin Laden.” Bin Laden could not be reached for comment.
7. In one cable, an American diplomat said Canadians’ inferiority complex makes us feel like Robin compared to America’s Batman. Finally, an explanation for our so-called “tight” relationship.
8. The recording industry is still fucked.
9. Guy Pearce will play Julian Assange in the upcoming feature film, The Information Network. The CIA will try and sabotage said film by getting Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger to do the soundtrack.
10. “Sex by Surprise” is a criminal offense in Sweden. And perhaps a fitting charge for Julian Assange, since nobody in the American government seemed to realize they were about to get fucked.
Things I’ve Learned: First Yoga Class
December 1, 2010
Yesterday I took my first-ever yoga class. Here are some of the things I learned:
1. Bikram is a hot yoga purportedly named after the fellow who invented it. Though during the 90-minute marathon I was fairly fucking confident it was called Bikram because someone had flicked a Bic and rammed it up my ass for the entire class.
2.Hot yoga is fucking hot. You know that Spanish lady who thinks she owns the sun? Well, take that amount of crazy, convert it to the surface heat on her alleged star property and blast it into a small sealed room. Like Downward-Fucking-Dog-in-Heat hot. It’s taxing.
3. While hot yoga doesn’t necessarily relate to how many hot chicks will be in the class, typically, there are more than a few. Sweaty, scantily clad bendy ones.
4. Hot, sweaty, scantily clad bendy yogirls aren’t interested in sweaty, half-naked hairy dudes whose closest encounter with any semblance of bend came during a scuba-diving lesson in 1983.
5. Describing myself on the phone as a “younger, better-looking George Clooney” is about as accurate as saying I’m a “taller, whiter, less dead Gary Coleman.” Not really yoga-related, but the thought did occur to me as I glimpsed the haunting doughboy reflection of my Chia Torso in the studio’s steamed window.
6. Sweaty short-shorts on yogirls: good. Sweaty short-shorts on yoguys: very, very fucking bad.
7. I need to buy longer shorts. Preferably with built-in underwear or some kind of reinforced, elasticized safety netting.
8. Poses I’ve already mastered: Awkward, Painful, Disturbing and Rest (this last one I can only do in an disturbingly awkward and painful way).
9. Expect to sweat like Louie Anderson at a luau. Only way fucking more. Seriously, yo – bring water. In a venti trough, if possible.
10. Cramps suck. (Shout-out to the girl who helped me out of the studio!)
Verdict: Yoga is fucking hard. Namaste away from it.
